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Friday, 27 March 2015

LEGACY

We seek the teeth that made the wounds...


Once, I believed I was ordinary:
hid in my father's vegetable garden,
eating peas from the pod.
The caterpillars spoke to me then,
and when I was scared I took refuge in fairyland.

But then I realised she didn't loved me,
and he was too preoccupied.
Suddenly I was too old for fairy tales:
the peas became maggot-ridden
and the caterpillars were struck dumb.

Soon, the days expanded into months
and then the months to years. All the while
it was a harsh tongue that shaped me.
Mother, your castigation has kept me small:
only this body has grown.

The maternal instinct was absent in you,
at least when it came to me.
My mind won't close to that much pain.
Time continually rewinds to the reluctant womb
that formed me in bitter resentment.

I've tried so hard to rise above it.

Yet I remain the unwanted pregnancy -
that abhorrent thing that was such an encumbrance,
the scapegoat for all your frustrations.
Oh how I longed for a cuddle when I scraped my knee,
or your presence on school sports day.

But I guess it just wasn't to be.
Something within me must have stirred such powerful aversion -
perhaps a karmic debt was being repaid.
Did I wrong you in a previous life?
Could that explain such profound dislike of your youngest child?

Oh I wish I knew the answer,
but I probably never will.

Anyway, dear Mother, I forgave you long ago...
but I still have no name.


My heart-felt thanks, Margie...for helping me to recognise a karmic lesson...xxx



I am off on my travels again tomorrow. I will try my hardest to visit you all, but sometimes I find myself in a connection black spot...so if I can't make it for a short while, I hope you'll forgive me...xoxoxo

40 comments:

  1. My dearest, Ygraine, my heart is breaking for you. I do not have the words to express the sadness and the emptiness that filled my heart as I read this plea for love and acceptance...such a small request to be so ignored.
    I am so sorry, my dear and sweet friend~

    Love & Hugs
    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Jan, your kind words have truly touched my heart.
      Thank you for your understanding...thank you so much.
      I will never feel badly towards my Mother...I understand that she must have had problems of her own. Her life was far from easy.
      As a child, though, I didn't understand, so often felt it must have been my fault...

      Thank you again, dear friend...from my heart :)

      Love & Hugs xoxoxo

      Delete
  2. maybe a karmic debt i believe, still love from your Mom is so wonderful, it's everything so to be so carelessly put aside for no reason, is a heartbreak, and yet your grew so beautiful and wise and loving, i feel sorry for you mom who couldn't feel or see your wonderful heart, I am also so sorry, Karmic debt or not, love and hugs always, xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sweetie...I can hardly believe...that I have such kind and understanding friends...I am so fortunate - and so grateful!
      I did try to understand my Mother. She was such a complex person though. She seemed to find it extremely difficult to express her feelings. Her words were harsh...yet she would often overcompensate by buying me many gifts.
      I would much rather have received a kind word or a hug though...
      Still, I did...and still do...love her.
      She was my only Mother.

      Thank you so much, Sweetie:)

      Love & Hugs xoxoxo

      Delete
  3. hey you will be missed and when you return, we will be here opened arms and heart for you....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh wow...that is so appreciated!
      I am hoping I can get online at least once during the coming week though...
      I guess time will tell...;)
      xoxoxo

      Delete
  4. Dearest friend
    My heart truly breaks for you after reading this!
    I hope that writing this poem has been cathartic ... I am honored to have been your inspiration but how it pained my heart to read this poem!

    You are a beautiful soul ...

    Have a wonderful weekend on your travels , be safe!

    I send you much love & Hugs
    xo xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Margie...I really think it has helped me to get things into perspective.
      I believe I will probably always lack self-esteem...but at least now I can understand part of the reason.
      And it is all down to your beautiful and inspiring poem.
      So thank you again, dear Margie...so very much!

      Have a fabulous weekend:)

      Love & Hugs
      xoxoxo

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your visit...it was so good to hear from you.:)

      Have a great weekend.:))

      Delete
  6. Boa tarde, mãe é sempre mãe, cada mãe tem mais ou menos dificuldade em expressar os sentimentos sentidos, sem duvida, que a mãe é expoente máximo do amor pelos filhos.
    AG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true, AG...being a mother is never easy - for one reason or another...and we sons or daughters still love our mothers regardless of how they treated us as children.
      Many thanks.:)

      Delete
  7. Beautiful as always, dear. Nice to see you back again. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Lux...you are so kind! :)

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    2. Happy Easter, Ygraine! :)

      Delete
  8. wow, what a poem - it's beautiful in a sad way. You sure have a talent with words. Your mother sure missed out on noticing what a special soul she was raising.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh wow...that is so kind, Sandy...my heart-felt thanks!
      I would have liked to have been told I was wanted or loved...but I did have a roof over my head and never wanted for any necessities, so I guess I still had a lot to be grateful for...:)

      Delete
  9. ah dear! Im really sorry you had to live this experiences:(
    But really I believe wasn't you! not at all, was her, she had something inside her!
    After many years I learn and can accept some people dont love me sometimes, why? I dont know. Maybe never we will know!
    But you can be sure you are an amazing and lovely person. and God really loves you always dear Ygraine!!
    Have a nice weekend my dear friend!
    xoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, my dear friend, for your kind words and your understanding.
      Yes, I'm sure everything that happens to us is for a reason...that we have lessons to learn from every situation.
      I do try hard to remain positive and to move on...but sometimes I do so lack confidence...:/ However, having wonderful, supportive friends like you more than makes up for all I lacked as a child...so thank you again...so much! xoxoxo

      Delete
    2. Have a nice weekend Ygraine!!
      xoxox

      Delete
  10. Such wonderful writing, this personal story expressed so eloquently with an understanding many could not see through anger to express so well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This one has been trying to escape the confines of my subconscious for many years, Anthony...and now it has finally found the words to express itself, I have to confess I do feel somewhat lighter in spirit!
      So thank you so much for listening...and for your patience.
      You have my deepest appreciation.:)

      Delete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your words mean so much, dear Lon.
      That darkness we share is a true place of healing and renewal...and you have taught me how to access it.
      Thank you so, so, much! :)

      Delete
  12. This is beautiful, Ygraine, you express yourself so well!

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  13. This is beautiful, Ygraine, you express yourself so well!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you, dear Linda...from my heart! :)
      xoxoxo

      Delete
  14. It is the business of angels to repair the future and your poem concludes on that astonishing idea. As for angels, they seldom know they're angels but I've found, if you get to know Margie through her writing, it's damn hard not to believe in angels too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I so agree with you, Geo...having known Margie has been such a blessing...and such an inspiration...
      Many thanks :)

      Delete
  15. I am certainly short of describing your feelings here. Can I call that a painful happiness? Anyways, wherever you go, may you be safe and sound. Hope and pray for your quick and safe return.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Dumcho...thank you, my dear friend!
      Yes...absolutely. I couldn't have expressed it better: a painful happiness.
      Your good wishes are much appreciated... it is good to be here, in the midst of a forest...but the downside is this very sporadic connection!:/

      Hope you're having a good week! :)

      Delete
  16. Muchos nos sentimos asi, es dificil encontrar una respuesta, saludos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, Boris...the answer will probably never be known. It is too complex a situation.
      Many thanks.:)

      Have a great day.:))

      Delete
  17. Heartbreaking, beautifully written with a fairy tale beginning and then
    the real life experience being so different, so harsh, forgiveness yet
    the longing to be hugged as a child still present today. Excellent writing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Rose...thank you so much...for understanding...for your support...and your kind words. All are so appreciated...:)

      Delete
  18. There is that curse in which, some have been forced to live.
    __Growing within that lack of love, their greatest self-given gift is their deepest vow... to forever create and care for others in that heartful way, of which... they had been denied.

    Such a grand way to step forward. Ygrqine_! _m

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really hadn't thought of that before...but you are so right, M!
      All my life I have felt the powerful urge to nurture and try to heal others. I can't bear to see anyone or anything suffer or be alone.
      Perhaps my mother gave me the greatest gift of all...

      Thank you so much...:)

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
  20. I am so sorry for what you had to go through! Your words are so meaningful! Big Hugs ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you, my dear friend...you are so kind.
      I do believe that we experience what we do for a reason though. In some strange way the difficult relationship I had with my mother has made me more compassionate and aware of the feelings of others...so I guess there was a positive side.:)

      Wonderful to have you back, Sweetie! :)

      Big Hugs xoxoxo

      Delete

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