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Saturday, 3 December 2016

CONTUSION

For my mother...with deepest compassion

"I know dementia," she says. "It is all I know.
It is your worst nightmare.
But I do not fear it. I live there.

Is it my instability that frightens you -
my unpredictability?
Or fear of contamination, that my condition is contagious?

Love is an illusion,
how it runs from the hard times!
See how it disappears like a puff of smoke

just when you need it most? Loneliness
is turning me to stone. I lash out in frustration.
I'm hurting. I want you to know how it feels.

They're slowly poisoning me, you know -
these demons who visit me.
See this pale, gaunt face in the mirror?

I have suffered the atrocities of alien abduction:
have been probed and experimented upon
by beings with huge eyes and needles for fingers.

Now I am disintegrating into odd-shaped pieces
that will never fit together again.
I am losing myself. I can't stop screaming.

The sky is darkening: it is coming for me,
the darkness. It will drag me off
to God knows where. But I will not go!

It's not real. It's not real.
It's all in my head - that's what they're saying,
these strangers in white coats who accost and hold me down.

I am deafened by shrieks.
Nightly they pierce my eardrums:
has the Banshee finally come to claim me?

I am terrified of this dark red thing
that lives inside me, just awaiting the right moment
to close down my brain. And what may come after.

Birds fly across the sky.
Are these the bearers of Souls to the next World?
Is it for their deliverance that my arms rise skyward?

Sudden sword-thrust through my head.
What is this blurring of senses, this petrifying
of body and will - some horrifying contusion?

The red thing is devouring me.
A sea of faces, weeping.
The final separation.
A clinical voice saying  Apoplexy."

Oblivion.


Now we, the living, are left
with our legacies of guilt...


26 comments:

  1. Absolutely fantastic writing, dearest Ygraine!!!
    I am so sorry for you and your for your mother.
    My husband's aunt, who is 93 also suffers from this dreaded affliction.
    It hurts to have to sit back and watch a loved one suffer and wonder where and who they are. We cannot even hold their hand and try to comfort them as we also try to ease the pain of losing someone who is still alive but no longer exists in reality. But our love for them continues and we hold on to cherished memories~

    Hugs and Love, Dearest Friend
    xoxoxo

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  2. Dearest Jan, my sincerest heart-felt thanks for your compassionate understanding.
    Yes, it has to be one of the hardest things...to have to watch someone suffer like this.
    My late Mother passed away 15 years ago...and it has taken all this time for me to be able to write about it.
    The guilt still remains...in the form of self questioning...could I possibly have done more...?

    I am sending thoughts of Love and Peace to your husband's aunt...not sure if it will help in any way...we can but hope.

    Have a wonderful weekend, my Dear Friend...I am just en route to your beautiful blog!:))

    All my Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  3. This post really touched my heart Ygraine my dear friend, for it got me thinking about my mother that had passed, which I didn't get along with much when she was near, seeing we didn't see eye to eye on many things, which seemed to cause much argument, especially perhaps on my behalf, seeing I was always trying to defend my wife and me. But now when looking back, I wish I would have just kept silent, for I feel my arguing with her caused her much pain. Here's the thing, though, I must let this go if I want to enjoy these moments I'm in now, now being the Buddhist that I am.

    Peace and much happiness to you Ygraine my dear friend,

    Lon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gosh, seems we're two of a kind, Lon.
      My mother and I didn't get along very well either, and in a way that made it even harder when she became very ill.
      Like you, I now look back and wish I had let certain things pass...but she had this way of chipping away at me and criticizing everything I did.
      You are absolutely right, though. It is time to let the past go and move on.
      Thank you so much, my Friend...for your understanding and for your precious friendship.:))

      Wishing you Peace and Happiness too, Lon...:)

      Delete
  4. I'm lost for words. Your writing always touches me but this poem in particular, got me. My late grandma on my mum's side had senile dementia. Thanks for this beautiful piece.

    Greetings from London.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you so much for staying with this to the bitter end. I know it isn't easy reading, and I truly appreciate it.:)
      It really is a horrible thing, isn't it...something we wouldn't wish upon our worst enemy...

      Greetings from Hampshire.:)

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  5. My heart goes out to you and your mother! I feel the pain, the sorrow, the confusion! So sad!!!
    Big Hugs and Much Love
    (I loved your name for my crow!! Spider Crow! I might have to make another painting for your name!!)

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    Replies
    1. Oh Sweetie...my deepest, most heart-felt thanks...your kind words are such a comfort!:))

      I am so happy you liked my name for your Crow!
      I can't wait to see your creation for that name...I can imagine it...it will be amazing!! :))

      Have a Wonderful Day, Sweetie!!

      All my Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  6. love is a seed which grew hopes and expectations on the land of relationships .
    sometime it is hard to look after these delicate roots and prevent them from the harsh seasons of carelessness and neglecting .
    it hurts when we are left behind on the endless road of grief and regret .
    love you dear have blessed life

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh how your kind words of support have touched my heart!
      Thank you, my Dear Friend...so, so much.:))

      Wishing you a Wonderful Day, with much Love xoxoxo

      Delete
  7. Hi Ygraine, absolutely breathtaking writing! Such potency and energy in every word/image/vision..I could feel it all. Deeply heartbreaking...massive hugs.
    I love your writing..there is always such a surge of power riding throughout it all, it is riveting!
    Wishing you a beautiful day and a magical season.
    Much love
    Victoria

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dearest Victoria...thank you...oh thank you so much!
      Your kind words have helped immensely to ease my mind through these painful memories.:))

      Wishing you all the magic of this beautiful season too,
      with Warmest Blessings and Much Love xoxoxo

      Delete
  8. Boa tarde, escreve de uma maneira maravilhosa os seus lindos sentimentos, lamento a sua dor difícil de suportar.
    Semana mais aliviada, são os meus votos,
    AG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you so, so much, Antonio...your kind words are truly appreciated.:)

      Wishing You a Fabulous Week.

      A Hug.:))

      Delete
  9. The writing is wonderful. So sorry for the experience inspiring it. Have been loosing my mom as she looses her place in the present too..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I am so sorry to hear that, Anthony...and please accept my deepest apologies if this post has intensified your pain.
      It must have been really difficult for you to read this...so thank you so, so much...

      My thoughts are with you...:)

      Delete
  10. My heart goes out to you, dear Ygraine! This is beautifully written and heartfelt. Sending you warm hugs and much love.

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    Replies
    1. Oh thank you, my Dear Sweet Linda...with all my heart.:)

      Sending you much Love & Hugs back xoxoxo

      Delete
  11. Really touched me Ygraine !
    My dad had dementia before passed .
    A big hug dear !

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    Replies
    1. Oh Gloria...I am so sorry. It is such a horrible illness...and is so widespread.
      If only a cure could be found...:/

      Oh thank you...so much.:))

      Much Love & Hugs xoxoxo

      Delete
  12. oh...wow....how you described this - so potent - touching - terrifying. Sorry to read your mother is suffering from this.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Sandy, thank you so much for your kindness and understanding...that really means so much to me.:)
      Fortunately, my mother is no longer suffering...she passed away 15 years ago...but the sense of helplessness is still with me...this is the fist time I've been able to find the words...

      Big Hugs xoxoxo

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete

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