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Saturday 16 May 2015

SHATTERED DREAMS?




That day, a week ago,
what terrible fears did our silence conceal
as we left the hospital and crossed the car park?
I reached out to take your hand, but whether
to offer comfort or seek it I cannot truthfully say.

You'd just been rendered defenceless as a baby.
I longed to hold you then as never before
but, embarrassed and numb inside,
I said and did nothing.
All around us life went on as usual,
totally oblivious to our personal tragedy.

Oh surely, while a heart still beats, there must be hope.
There has to be. Mine was aching. Was our story to end
after only thirty-eight years? Must it end soon - no more to tell?
There is no answer in the chaos of a shattered dream.
Oh what shall I do? I screamed inwardly.
But no one seemed to hear.

I hardly remember the long drive home,
being focused on how to tell our only son
that the sun may soon be setting early.
Gut-wrenching guilt: it should have been me,
as punishment for being the less-than-perfect wife.
On auto-pilot, I demolished the daily chores.
It was only later, alone in the shower, that the dam finally burst.

That evening, we watched a movie together.
It was a sad one, full of ominous subliminals
that served only to increase my sense of impending doom.
I looked at you and stark reality hit me.
Oh God! Will this chair, like my arms, soon be empty?
How can I face a future without you?

But life has no compassion for the selfish.
Over the years I'd developed a child-like dependency,
an assumption that you'd be there for me forever.
Oh how I'd taken you for granted!
Now my foolish complacency had imploded.
Heartless wench! You'll need to grow up fast now
if you're to take the family reins...

STOP! Self-recriminations are futile.
Better to just let the feelings flow -
no one can hide from their own fears,
nor from the harsher lessons of life.


Today, I can still see the consultant's eyes,
hard, from trying too hard to remain aloof from others' sorrow.
Oh yes, I'll remember that face for the rest of my days,
along with the sobering words he uttered without emotion...
as if your beloved heart was merely a clapped-out machine
that they may, or may not, have the ability to fix.

As I sit here in the garden now,
in the bright spring sunshine,
all I can feel is your possible death sentence
hanging heavily in the air...



I am taking a break from blogging for a week or so.
I will truly miss you all, and will be back as soon as I can.

Have a great weekend. xxx

48 comments:

  1. My heart is breaking for your husband, your son and you my dearest Ygraine. My tears are falling for all of you and yet I can do nothing to help.
    All I can say is..."I am sorry, so sorry"!!!
    I will pray for you...I will keep you all in my thoughts each day.
    I will cry for you because I hurt for you and your family.
    My tears will not heal but in this way I can share your sorrow~

    All My Love and Hugs for You and Your Dear Family, My Sweet Friend
    xoxoxo

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    Replies
    1. Dear, dear Jan...words can never express how much I appreciate your kindness and your friendship at this difficult time...it means so very much to me...and to all of us.
      We are just taking each day as it comes at present, and are hoping for a positive outcome...
      Thank you so, so much, my dear friend...from the depths of my heart...
      All my Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  2. To express such sad news so…. Sorry.
    I’m wanting this to be fiction, but fear my optimism..

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    Replies
    1. Oh how I wish it were, Anthony...but then I guess these things are a part of life, so we can only make the best of things and try to live life to the full.
      This has been a bitter-sweet time...as we learned we are to become grandparents in January!
      That helped to take the edge off the worry...in the most pleasant way!
      Thank you so much...:)

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  3. take care of yourself, dear Ygraine ♥

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, my dear friend.
      Do hope things are good with you...xoxoxo

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  4. All my best hopes, Ygraine.

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    1. Oh thank you, Geo...that is so appreciated...:)

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  5. My dear friend, Ygraine, this has brought such sadness to my heart that I've run out of words to say.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your thoughts are enough, my dear friend...thank you so much for caring...and for your much appreciated support. :)

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  6. Replies
    1. That means so much to me, Boris...thank you so much. :)

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  7. Dear Ygraine,

    My heart goes out to you. Sending you a warm hug. I just saw your post now, after I sent you a personal e-mail, which I hope you receive. You are such a lovely person.

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  8. Dear Ygraine,

    My heart goes out to you. Sending you a warm hug. I just saw your post now, after I sent you a personal e-mail, which I hope you receive. You are such a lovely person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Linda...thank you so much...from my heart.
      We have just taken some time out and I haven't been online, so will read your e-mail as soon as I am finished here. Am so sorry for the delay.
      Your kindness touches me deeply...thank you again...so very much. xoxoxo

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  9. I'm really sorry to read this sad news. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
    Warm hugs for your and your family.

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    Replies
    1. I can't begin to express how appreciated those warm hugs are at this difficult time.
      Thank you...thank you so much...:)

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  10. Que bien te veo...jejeje,,un abrazo desde Murcia...

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  11. Que bien te veo...jejeje,,un abrazo desde Murcia...

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    Replies
    1. Many thanks, Alp...and A Hug back...:)

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  12. Ugh. I am so sorry Y. Poked my head back in after being gone for several months only to read this. To lose a spouse, or face the thought of losing them. I hope the weekend is good to you and ministers to your heart.

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    Replies
    1. We are coping by taking each day as it comes...plus, as I mentioned to Anthony, we just heard we are soon to become grandparents...so that gave us something positive to focus on.
      Thank you so much...:)

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  13. My sweet, sweet friend, such harsh news to bare, I would think fiction if it weren't for the photo, there isn't an ounce of selfishness in you, when all he wants is your love, and i know how big your heart is...Life hurts, but trust your instinct as well, you know...better than most...and grieving happens even if you know to celebrate instead to rid out mortal Coil for LOVE, you can love him as long as it takes, and from you he'll have all that he needs...part of me still wishes this fiction...but i know better, with Love and Deep concern, me xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sweetie...your kindness has truly touched my heart.
      We are coping well at present, mainly due to his positive attitude...and the fact that we've just learned we are to become grandparents in January!
      We can only hope...and pray...

      Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  14. Oh dear really IM SORRY really sorry
    all my love for you I wasnt sure but whrn I begin to read I knew..
    oh desr special prayers for you and all my love! xoxo

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  15. Oh dear really IM SORRY really sorry
    all my love for you I wasnt sure but whrn I begin to read I knew..
    oh desr special prayers for you and all my love! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Gloria...thank you so, so much for your kindness and your friendship...your support at this challenging time means everything to me.
      All my love & hugs xoxoxo

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    2. Dear Ygraine I want you know my prayers are with you and yours.
      send all my love to you.
      xoxo

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    5. Oh you are so kind, my dear Gloria...thank you so much - with all my heart.

      All my Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  16. My dear Ygraine, I wish you the best to come, however it's meant to be...i'm so sorry I'm leaving Blog land for however long, I don't know i've enjoyed your blog tremendously....but in this noisy building full of people blogging is too much for now, love and hugs if ever i find a house, alone i'll be back take care of yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sweetie...such sad news - I will miss you so much.
      Please keep in touch via e-mail? I do check mine sometimes, believe it or not!:/
      Dear Lorraine...I wish you all the very best of everything.
      Thank you so much for your precious friendship...which I hope will last forever.

      Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  17. Boa tarde, lamento o acontecimento e a sua tristeza, mas uma coisa é certa, a vida continua.
    AG

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    1. Absolutely. It isn't easy, but that is exactly how we're trying to see the situation.
      Many thanks.

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  18. Espero que sea ficción, y si es realidad, mucho ánimo.
    Un abrazo.

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  19. Espero que sea ficción, y si es realidad, mucho ánimo.
    Un abrazo.

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    1. Oh how I wish it were fiction...but I'm afraid it is true.
      This period of waiting is the worst part...part of me longs for the operation to be over...another part dreads it.
      I guess it is all a part of life, however hard it seems.

      Many thanks.

      A Hug :)

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  20. Missing you so much and wishing you and your family much love and peaceful moments~

    Hugs & Love
    xoxoxo

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    Replies
    1. Do you know, Jan...I missed you so much. It has been a lonely time here in my mind with only fears for the future as company.
      So I am back now!
      I may not always be able to blog as often as usual, as there is so much going on...but for me it is a lifeline at present...my dear blogger friends mean so much to me.
      Thank you for your precious friendship...you will always be a huge part of my life.

      All My Love & hugs xoxoxo

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  21. __We all reach the narrowing of this trail, but those that travel with us, cut and clear... to open deeper that pathway; we walk onward.
    __My full wishes sent... to you all.

    savor this time
    today becomes tomorrow
    the now's dawn

    Heartful wishes. _m

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    Replies
    1. Oh thank you, Doug...so much.
      Your words are always truly encouraging...and you are so right...we do need to savour each moment...for each is unique and precious!

      In deepest gratitude...thank you again...:)

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  22. Hello my beautiful spirit-sister..your poem brought tears to my eyes and emotions swelling in my heart, so touching ...writtne/expressed and shared so beautifully.
    My heart goes out to you na dyour family and loved ones...please know I am a friend always if you need..an email away if you need an ear!

    Wishing you comfort, love and healing light and whatever your loved one divinely needs...may he receive it! Hugs and blessings to you.
    A friend always..victoria

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    1. Oh Victoria...I really can't find the words to thank you enough...your kind words have truly touched my heart...your precious friendship makes me feel comforted and less alone with my worries.
      Thank you...thank you...from us all.:)

      Deepest Blessings & Hugs xoxoxo

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  23. I'm so short of words to express how deeply sorry I am about this! So! So!! Sorry. Hugs and kisses.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so, so, much...you will never know how appreciated your kind words of support are. They help me to keep positive...and to keep looking forward with hope.
      Your friendship is so precious...:)

      Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  24. Hello dear Ygraine!!
    I wish you all of the best.

    Many sweet greetings,
    Marco

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    Replies
    1. Oh Marco...you are so kind.
      Thank you so much...from my heart.

      Wishing you a great day!

      A Hug

      Delete

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my posts.
I really appreciate hearing your opinions...:)