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Wednesday 15 June 2016

A LIFE

For my daughter Toyah, 14.06.89 - 28.06.89.
In memoriam, with all my love...


This hurt has lingered so long,
re-intensifying with each new day.
The rising of the sun a stark reminder
of what should have been...


The team forms a semi-circle around the bed.
The Paediatrician's smile is jarring, inappropriate
as he tells me she has a mere fifty/fifty chance
of survival.
Am I alone with such agony?
I cannot read
their faces of stone.

The door - I want to run,
to escape harrowing reality,
to throw myself under a train.
The pain is debilitating:
twelve long hours,
all labour long...
then she's carved by a surgeon's scalpel.
Then deep coma...


Two long weeks pass
while I search her face
for signs of life.
But there is nothing:
no movement, no sound
to cling to,
only a ghastly silence.

My precious first-born,
limp like a rag doll.
Beloved dust
slipping through my fingers,
turning to rust.

No time for bonding,
for tender caresses
nor words of love.
In fact, no time for anything.
Just a tiny white coffin
slipping into eternity...


Here in the darkness,
endlessly yearning for the light.
But it never comes - only
another morning and birdsong:
that bittersweet serenade
to a broken heart
and the end of motherhood.

44 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Yes...I often think I'm OK now, then her birthday comes around...and I discover there is still more to be expressed.
      Thank you so much for your patience...:)

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  2. Sorry to read your sadness. Life is indeed full of pains. Hope you become more stronger each day.

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    1. Thank you, Dumcho.
      Yes, I guess it is all a part of life...that so many have to live through.
      Time is a great healer...though the scars still remain.

      Have a Great Day, my Friend! :))

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  3. I am so very sorry! So very sorry! I don't know why things happen. Sending you big hugs! Toyah must be an angel! She came down only for a moment to say hi and since then, she has been right by your side. Sending lots of love!!

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    1. Oh Sweetie...you are so, so, kind!
      I do believe that every experience we have is for a reason...and in retrospect, Toyah's short life has taught me to appreciate everyone I know and every good thing in my life - no matter how long they are with me.
      I do often feel her by my side...oh if only I could physically hug her...just once.
      Still, I do try hard to celebrate her life, rather than dwell upon her loss! (doesn't always work though!)

      Lots of Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  4. Certainly this is not I was looking forward to read here after the break.. but life has it s weird manner of playing with us..some realities are too unreal to accept..

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    1. I do so appreciate the fact that you read this at all, Deeps. I understand that this subject is so personal, and not at all an easy one to comment on.
      "Life's Lessons" are seldom easy, are they?
      I did exist in a sort of "unreality" for some time after her passing...but the passing of time has helped to soften the blow and bring a kind of acceptance.

      Thank you, Deeps, for your understanding and support.
      I truly appreciate it.:)

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  5. I know the pain of losing a child. No one who hasn't can understand an emptiness that will never be filled, a pain that dulls over time but never quits. I wish I could reach out and hug you. My son died of cancer 5 years ago this month.

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    1. The "virtual hug" of fellow bereaved parent is the most precious gift...my sincerest heart-felt thanks.
      I am so saddened to hear of your loss...mere words are inadequate...

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  6. So sad.. My heart goes out to you ♥

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    1. Oh thank you, Nyssa...
      I would love to come visit you...but still can't seem to locate your blog...

      Big Hugs xoxoxo

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  7. __It was long ago now, she was just 3 years of age, and her name still wrenches my heart; Her name so often heard in today's life. My two other children and my resulting grandchildren, often bring the soothing smiles.
    __Odd, "Y", this coincidence of our morning bird calls that ask the sun to open a new day.
    __My deepest wishes to you. _m

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    1. Oh Doug, I had no idea...so sorry to revive your sad memories.
      My heart goes out to you both in total empathy.

      Yes, a strange coincidence...the birdsong. One of the most evocative sounds on Earth...filled with hope for new beginnings...

      A Hug. :)

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  8. Oh my...what an incredibly sad, touching passage to read here Ygraine. I am so sorry for your loss. Words fail me....sending hugs and much love your way.

    I miscarried a baby about the same time this happened to you. That pain has never left me either. May these sweet babies RIP.

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    1. It brought tears to my eyes just reading your beautiful comment, dearest Geraldine...how can I ever thank you for your compassion and for sharing your own painful experience?
      I totally understand how agonizing a miscarriage can be...I had one before Toyah, followed by another six after her.
      Then, when I'd given up all hope of ever becoming a mother...my son arrived!
      Strange thing...fate!

      Oh Geraldine...so sorry to revive your pain...

      sending you warmest Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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    2. And thank you for your lovely reply Ygraine. I will never forget Emily, she was already a baby to me, I talked to her, loved her...even though she never arrived on this earth. I still miss her...perhaps strange but true.

      Sending more hugs to you, take care, G

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    3. Definitely not strange...I, too, still miss all my lost ones...so can fully appreciate how you feel.
      It is so heart-breaking...but I guess it does make us stronger in some strange way - well, that is what I've often been told. Not sure I believe it though.:/

      Thank you again for sharing your pain with me...the knowledge that someone else has been there really does help to ease the burden.
      I am only sorry to have revived the sorrow for you.:(

      Much Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  9. My heart breaks with this. I'm so sorry. May you find comfort in God's presence and in your family and friends' embrace. Sending love your way.

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    1. Oh Lux...my deepest heart-felt thanks...your kind words mean so much!

      Sending much love & hugs back...:)

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  10. This was harrowing to read and yet so beautiful because your parental feelings flow through like a river with no end in sight. I am so sorry.

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    1. Oh thank you, CiL, so much for staying with this one...not that I would expect you to though.
      I do understand how difficult a subject like this is to read. Sometimes, though, I just feel I have to write about it. I guess it's somehow therapeutic.

      Your understanding means so much...

      Have a Great Sunday.:)

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  11. OMG ...OMG ... I feel what U feel ... tears ... ya ... Love, cat.

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    1. I know you've been here too, Cat...words can't adequately express...only shared hugs...thank you so much.

      Big Hugs xoxoxo

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  12. One of the most moving poems I have ever read. My sincere condolences.

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    1. Oh Geo...thank you...from the depths of my heart...:)

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  13. Dear Ygraine,

    I haven't the words to say, all I know there are times my tears fall like rain.

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    1. Dear Lon...you don't need words.
      Your compassion says it all.

      Thank you...from the depths of my heart...

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  14. Sorry ! Wat more can I say . God bless you with only good henceforth .

    http://shilpachandrasekheran.blogspot.ae/?m=1

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    1. Oh Shilpa...thank you...so, so much.
      Your kind words touch my heart...:)

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  15. my sweet, dear Ygraine, that is a loss I don't know if I could have survived, my heart is with you ...Your courage is unbelievable, I love you, and I hug you very,very tightly...

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    1. Don't really think I have survived very well, Sweetie...hence 27 years later, I still feel the need to write about it.
      I guess the hurt never really goes...but time does dull the pain - well, for some of the time, at least.

      Oh Sweetie...thank you for those much appreciated "virtual hugs"...you are a dearest friend...:)

      All my Love & Hugs back! xoxoxo

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  16. Dearest Friend,
    It has taken me awhile to respond to this lovely and touching tribute to your daughter.
    Our little great-granddaughter is now 9 months old and the joy she is bringing into our lives brought your sadness even closer to my heart, along with the tears that I know we shared at this memory.
    A loving tribute from a broken heart...beautifully written~

    All My Love and Hugs
    Always, Jan

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    1. Dearest Jan, my sincerest apologies...for tinging your happiness with tears.
      But those tears for my lost baby really are so appreciated, as they convey your understanding and compassion.
      You have made me feel much less alone in my enduring grief...my dear, dear friend.

      Oh thank you...thank you.

      All my Love and Hugs xoxoxo

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  17. Beautifully written...but so sad, so sorry for the loss you experienced and still do.

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    1. Oh thank you, Sandy...so, so much...:))

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  18. I am so sorry, dear Ygraine, for the loss and pain you endured...and are still going through it. You have an amazing talent for expressing yourself, and you have a gift with words. Love and hugs to you.

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    1. Oh you are so kind, Dearest Linda...thank you, with all my heart.

      Much Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  19. Dearest Ygraine
    This has me in tears!
    It is beautifully written but so heartbreaking!
    I feel so deeply for you and grieve with you!
    My daughter recently had a miscarriage and my heart was broken for her and myself as well as I so love my little Rose and know how much I would have loved another sweet baby!

    I have not been around to visit lately as I actually grieving so much for my dearest sister that has ALS and my heart in not into blogging these days!

    But I wanted to let you know I have not forgotten you!
    How could I ever?

    Be well and happy!

    Love from
    Margie

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    1. Oh gosh, my dearest Margie...you are going through so much.:(
      If only I lived closer...not sure what I could do, except maybe offer hugs and (hopefully) comforting words...but I have such a longing to be with you at such a sad time in your life, just to offer some support.
      Please promise you'll not hesitate to let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help...

      All my Love & Hugs xoxoxo

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  20. What a beautiful and heartfelt tribute...my friend <3

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    1. Oh Keith...thank you...so, so much...:))

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