CHRISTOPHER

In Memoriam


I came across your bracelet today.
You know, the black leather one
embellished with pure white lizards?
I was tidying my cupboard
and there it was,
tucked away in a neglected corner,
still wrapped in its original
pouch of time-faded ivory silk.

And I thought of you.
Closing my eyes,
I could picture you clearly
on a movie screen inside my head.
You were smiling at me,
as you often did,
and I was moved to tears
by the desperate need
to see you again,
just one last time.

But I know that will never happen.
So I'm tortured by the notion
that you may wonder if  I've abandoned
all thoughts of you
since your emigration
to that not-so-distant land,
where insubstantial people live.
Although you would never believe that
if you only knew
how frequently my dreams hover
over that lonely red-brick cottage
where I lived with you
for the first seventeen years
of my life.
Nor would you believe it
if you could look inside my mind
and see how much I wish
I could rewind time
to those simple, carefree days
of bonfires in the orchard
and long walks across the common
with two happy, barking dogs.

And I'm so afraid you may be disappointed
that I no longer mention the place
where the most precious dust on Earth
nourishes the soil and spreading roots
of a beautiful red rose bush.
But the people you knew and loved
have long since moved on,
and I have allowed myself
to be pulled along with them
into the spiral of time,
that ceaseless torrent of moments
leading ever further
from your noble presence.

It isn't that you've become
an unimportant
and no longer necessary part of my life,
but because I have to keep
my grieving heart hidden.
I am so afraid they'd think me morbid
should I reveal the truth - that
all I wanted for a long, long time
after your departure
was to lie down on that soft earth
and let the dark force of nature
reunite us forever.
But I had to be strong - if only
for the sake of my other loved ones,
and try to carry on without you.

Yes, I have managed to survive
this devastating loss,
but please don't ever imagine
that I will forget the person
I owe my very existence to.
How could I?
Your legacy is me.
I am your creation,
your work of art.
You gave me form and substance.
You shaped this personality
and instilled these values.
You are someone I will never,
ever stop loving.

My Father.