Who are you to rule my life
And control my every move
From the stronghold of your cosy chairs
Like smug all-powerful autocrats?
You command me to be in at nine
Before the night is born,
Knowing my friends will ridicule
As you arrive to escort me home.
Yet petty laws imposed on me
Are all you care about
And in the ensuing battle,
My boyfriends are never good enough,
They never stand a chance.
You're mortified by my 'slovenly lout'
And his heavy metal band.
What's even worse, his ultimate sin
Is to hail from a council estate.
But why should I worry if he's working class
When we're having such fun on a date?
Your petty spies are everywhere,
I have no privacy.
When we kissed as Jamie met me from school
I was grounded for a week,
For the Dunlop-Coopers spotted us
And couldn't wait to squeal.
They distorted the truth until you believed
We were shagging in the street!
Their daughter Melinda's iconic traits
Are paraded in front of me
'Why can't you be like her,' you whine,
'And make us proud of you?
To a Member of Parliament she's engaged,
She's an elegant socialite,
And her legendary summer balls
Are an ostentatious delight!'
I'm forced to dress conservatively
When attending her afternoon teas
In shapeless brownish-greys
And tweeds to below the knees.
I'm feeling so dowdy and desperate
To dispense with etiquette
That deep inside a warhead seethes
Threatening to eject.
'Come and meet my cousin,' she croons,
'I'm certain he's just your type.'
Then patronisingly she adds,
'He'll make you a lady all right.
For he's descended from royalty you see,
On his father's side.
Just hope and pray he has a taste
For plainness in a bride!'
So I'm cornered behind a potted palm
By an arrogant stammering bore.
His foul breath and body odour
Make me feel quite faint.
'You must j-join me on my y-yacht,'
He mumbles as lecherous eyes
Fix their gaze on my firm young breasts
Until disgust I can no longer hide.
'I'd rather die!' I scream and smash
Their priceless saucer and cup.
As coffee oozes over marble floor,
Open-mouthed they gawp.
For the very first time, their attention is mine
And I really want to shock.
So slowly and deliberately I undress,
Discarding the loathed attire.
As ladies shriek and one or two swoon,
The men just ogle and stare.
It seems the sight of a red satin thong
Has hypocrisy laid bare!
Just before I walk away
I boldly return your stare,
'I'm sorry mother and father
If I disappoint you so,
But for your ideals I'll never care
So it's best if I just go.
All I wanted was a normal life
But you could never see
That all these years spent moulding me
Into who you believed I should be,
Has left no time to get to know
This person I call me!'