Wednesday 7 November 2012


I asked your expert opinion once
On my chosen dress for your party
Because in matters of fashion I'm a genuine dunce,
Whereas you are really quite arty.

You frowned as you looked me up and down,
Then you laughed out loud and said
That actually I resembled a clown;
Or, perhaps, more the living dead.

You explained that my makeup was far too pale
To be worn with so white a dress.
You said all I'd have to do is wail
And your guests would flee in  distress.

'That ghastly pallor is ghostly you see,
And your dress is too baggy and loose.
Plus you really should let your hair hang free.
When it's up you resemble a moose.

Such platinum hair needs a hint of gold
And your eyes need enhancing with Kohl.
Like me, you must learn to be more bold
And emerge from that self-conscious hole.'

So you accompanied me on a shopping spree,
Chose a catsuit in black and gold -
So tight I had to go underwear free.
For this image I felt too old.

'Nonsense,' you said, 'you're younger than me,
And now for some matching shoes.'
And the pair you chose couldn't possibly be
Any higher or my balance I'd lose.

Then in the salon my face was painted
And my hair tinted 'autumn gold'.
When I gazed in the mirror I almost fainted.
For me, this look was too bold.

But then who was I to contradict you,
The ultimate glamour snob?
So I teetered along that night with you.
But it was no easy job.

You plied me with cocktails until I was squiffy,
Then enticed me up to dance.
My heels were too high, the floor too slippy.
I never stood a chance.

The entire club was suddenly struck dumb
By the mortified heap on the floor
Whose catsuit had split from boobs to bum.
It couldn't have revealed any more.

Since then I've never ventured near
Nightclub, dance floor, nor you.
My colour's washed out and I tremble with fear
At the sight of a high-heeled shoe!


  1. I loved this, Ygraine. I had a similar experience once so it really hit home. I don't do well all glammed up. I hate it, I don't feel like myself at all. Luckily for me, my "habille" stayed in place but I felt completely out of place.

    1. Thank you Nyssa.
      I never feel comfortable glammed up either. I'm much happier hanging around in tatty jeans and oversized shirt. It's just that sometimes I let myself be influenced otherwise - much to my own cost!! Hehehe :D

  2. Ha Ha Ygraine, This sounds like the make-over from hell! I bet you did look glam though before splitting your seams:D This is excellent - and I am sorry for laughing but the image you created with your words was so good! If this had happened to me I would have died ha, ha, ha :)

    1. Hehehe :D
      So glad I made you laugh Rose.
      Well, they DO say laughter is the best medicine, don't they?!
      Not that funny at the time, but in retrospect:
      Hehehehe :D

  3. What a beautiful and also humourous piece! It was a case of "damn if you, damn if you don't" situation. :-)

    Many thanks.

    Greetings from London.

    1. Hi Cuban,
      Really great to hear from you!
      Think you've hit the nail on the head there - couldn't win no matter what! Still, provoked much laughter, and that can't be bad can it?
      Hehe :D

      Thank you so much for reading :)

    2. Actually I just realised that it should have read "damn if you DO..." :-). Oh, dear! Sorry.

      Greetings from London.

    3. Hehe:D Glad I'm not the only one!
      I'm always doing that myself!!

  4. The incident in the nightclub sounds very embarrassing on the other hand very humourous at the same time.

    1. Certainly was Windsmoke.
      But I'm happy to say the laughter echoed long after the embarrassment was forgotten!!
      Hehe :D

  5. Super this, it kept me entertained and wantin to read on throughout. Not a subject I am expert I was convinced of its authenticity!

    1. Many thanks Dave.
      I was no expert either - hence the rather misguided request for expert advice! Hehe
      If nothing else, it taught me that the nightclub scene wasn't for me!!

  6. I do love this piece, dear Ygraine, for I feel so identified with that woman looked up and down by that glamour snob, hehehe, I never listened to those "expert" women, never in my life. I am proud to be a genuine dunce in matters of fashion.
    I remember some of my so called "good friends" at the school where I was teaching trying to convince me to change my image for, according to them, "image is what counts". For pupils it was love, understanding and knowledge what counted in teachers more than the way they dressed.
    About high-heeled shoes, I have never been able to wear them for a long time, a real torture for my poor feet. It's comfort what rules my life, never fashion.
    Your words have made me laugh, thanks:
    The entire club was suddenly struck dumb
    By the mortified heap on the floor
    Whose catsuit had split from boobs to bum.
    It couldn't have revealed any more
    A hug.

    1. Dear Dulcina, I so appreciate that.
      It is awful when people try to change you, isn't it? And even when you try to go their way, it just doesn't feel right.
      I do enjoy dressing up sometimes, but in the clothes I like - not to suit someone else!
      Took many years to arrive at that conclusion, but I'm much happier for it.

      Many many thanks for your wonderful insight.


  7. Thank you Rehan.
    Hope you're having a great weekend!


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