Friday 25 October 2019


Our first home still looks the same.
I realised when we drove past it
how time has changed us
but not it. When we first moved in there
it felt cursed.
Blown apart by a gas explosion and rebuilt,
it seemed to whisper ominously, "I am the Phoenix.
I will outlive you!"
It's previous owners had become phobic
after being blown through the window
while still in bed. So they'd decided to sell.
But fear's restless spectre still clung to the very structure.
It confirmed my idea of life: impermanence, uncertainty.
Birth, life, death -
and too little time in between to achieve our goals.

How I disliked being alone there. The walls
seemed to creak continually,
so I had to play music to drown them out,
both day and night.
Gas in the pipes?
Would history repeat itself?
A long way down to the garden
with the rolling hills beyond.

We'd taken possession
amid the newness of plaster and paintwork:
a facade that concealed all that had gone before.
Would our lives cease abruptly: roasted alive
in a gaseous conflagration? Holding my breath
to avoid inhaling the ghosts
that still clung to bricks and mortar.
Youth shouldn't be so morbid - and yet...
our first night there, I broke down.
The guilt almost killed me. You'd practically
bankrupted yourself to provide a home for us.
Then all I'd wanted was to escape!
The unfamiliar terrified me.
Beautiful furnishings, spectacular views.
Ostensibly, everything I'd ever wished for:
possibility of living the dream
of domestic and romantic harmony. Suddenly
we had achieved it.

You, yourself, were my whole life:
lover, father figure, and all the girlfriends
I'd never had. You were saviour and protector
who stood between myself and life's cruel blows -
and all the might-have-beens. I had accepted
that you knew what was best for me.
But a strange morbidity frequently rolled
across my consciousness,
engulfing me in it's dark shadow.
You pitied my inability to see past it.
Onward through the rainbow of darkness I stumbled,
desperately seeking a moonbeam to cling to.
So we struggled on, hand-in-hand.

For me, that first home was our identity,
our first Christmas,
when I felt safe just being with you.
For you, it was a form of independence - and a good investment.
A solitary electric fire was the only source of heating,
apart from the laundry closet.
But I think you were happy too, just
being with me
and cuddling up on the sofa to gaze out over the town.

There, externalized, was our destiny foretold:
the distance, the passing seasons, and images of our older selves,
still together, in an uncertain future of laughter, tears
and devastating tragedy...


  1. HeHe! Made me chuckle..
    Reads like summat Poe would write..
    That's Edgar Allan Poe..Don't want
    anyone getting any ideas...! :)

    I've been in my current 'prison' for
    42yrs now..I could write a book of it's
    history, and the comings and goings over
    that time that would put War and Peace
    to shame..HeHe! Four walls..'Do Not a
    Home Make'..You need a roof to...! ;o).

    Before this l was on the road mostly,
    on tour..Europe, mostly Germany, then
    across the pond,back in the world...
    So, as Marvin Gaye sang back in 1962..
    "Where Ever l Lay My Hat..(That's My
    Home)"..that sums it up for me..! :).

    Nice to hear the word 'home' never liked
    the word is just bricks and
    mortar..Which reminds me of another song
    by Elvis Presley.."Home Is Where The Heart
    "It takes hands to build a house..But only
    hearts can build a home"..Amen..! :o).
    ✧༺♥༻∞  ∞༺♥༻✧ ✧༺♥༻∞  ∞༺♥༻✧ ✧༺♥༻∞ 

    1. Ha, yes, home rather than house. I totally agree. Makes it feel much more personal, doesn't it?!
      Thank you so much 😊😊

  2. La mia prima casa esiste ancora e ogni tanto passo a vederla, ho tanti bei ricordi.
    Buon venerdi.

    1. Yes, strange how a past home continues to stir the emotions, isn't it?
      Thank you so much, Giancarlo!😊😊

      Have a fabulous weekend!

      A hug xxx

  3. We live in a flat, but maybe someday we will build a house. Our flat is snalk, but very cozy and I love it, cos the most important are the love and people which is our family here☺ Thank you so much for those photos, it was a pleasure to read as always! Have a lovely weekend ☺

    1. This was a flat too, we lived on the top floor. The stairs were just inside the front door.
      As you say, it was small but cozy. I was always a bit afraid of the gas though! Lol
      Thank you so much.😊😊

      Wishing you a great weekend too!

      Hugs xxx

  4. We change because we are always on the move. We have matured and this is important. But not everyone knows what to do with maturity?
    The houses are in the same place, but not all have turned into a family love nest.
    I really liked this text, my dear Ygraine.

    1. You are so right, Doug...any home is what we make it.
      Being totally honest...I don't think I have matured very
      So happy you enjoyed...and thank you so much!😊😊

      Kisses back xxx

    2. Ygraine,
      I really like your writing style. And I learn every day to like you more and more too!

    3. Aww.Thank you..! ❤❤❤

  5. Poignant and beautiful. Very, very beautiful.
    Like your heart.

    1. Dear are so kind! 😊😊
      Oh thank you so much...

      All my love and hugs ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  6. ohhh ...what past memories of the place and written so wonderfully and poignant and i love it.

    1. heartfelt thanks...I truly appreciate your kind words...😊😊

      Hugs xxx

  7. Enjoyed… Looks like a great place, and it had a history, a good story to break the ice. First homes are not forgotten..

    1. Thank you so much, Anthony!
      Yes, I especially liked the views (we were on the top floor). But the knowledge of it's past was always there at the back of my mind...would history repeat itself?? Lol

      Have a great Sunday!😊😊

  8. actually a beautiful home is a comfortable home to live in and bring the warmth of the family

    1. Absolutely! It is our feelings and attitudes that make a home, isn't it?!
      Thank much!😊😊

      Have a great day!

  9. Wonderful, Ygraine!
    I believe that houses have a soul, and they tell the story of those who lived there. They hold grudge, love, despair, peace... I once lived in a house that had terrible smells, and many spiders everywhere, all the time. My husband first started to develop depression there. After we asked a group od spiritualists to 'clean' the house, it improved. But anyway, we moved away.

    1. Do you know, Ana... I've heard of houses like that before, and I do also believe that they hold onto all the emotions of past if they hold a record of all that has gone before.
      Thank you so much!😊😊

      Hugs xxx

  10. Wondrous, "Y"!
    __ Just this note, this fitting in of senryu or haiku:
    A "haibun"-ish addition... that follows your love written life; I've borrowed some your words. _m

    of birth life and death
    a strong path through this garden
    our sofa cuddles

    1. beautiful and touching! Thank you, very much...😊😊

      Have a brilliant day!

  11. ... and I like that Morris Mini

    1. Yes, cool mini, wasn't it?
      It was obviously a neighbour's...but we never knew whose!

  12. it took long time to understand dear Ygraine that places are not important inspite of all the beautiful memories make us feel to attach them
    the important is our attitude to accept them as our home :)
    this is sublime poetry and touching either , you are incredible story teller :)))
    sending you lots of positive energy ,love and hugs :)

    1. Yes, I agree, dear Baili.
      I am happier in our present home, but that first one did have such beautiful views, both from the front and the rear of the flat. I miss those views!

      Thank you, my beautiful much!😊😊

      Much love and hugs ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  13. Oh have honestly left me speechless...I feel so utterly honoured.
    Oh thank, so much!😊😊

    Hugs xxx

  14. I could not have lived there at any price...even if it had been given to me as a gift free and clear. You were very brave and I do understand your anxiety completely.
    It is a lovely home but for me there would be no peace or comfort.
    I always thought you were beautiful inside and out and now I know how brave you can be, too :)

    Hugs Dearest Ygraine ❤❤❤

    1. We only stayed there for 18 months, and then we sold up and moved to our present home. It was a nice flat, and the views were amazing, but...I was always afraid there would be another problem with the gas!!
      Much less bravery, and more a place we could afford at the time! Lol
      Thank you so much, dearest Jan... I'm so glad you're blogging again. I have so missed you!

      All my love and hugs ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  15. I agree with Jan, very brave you are to have lived there!
    This writing was very moving Ygraine! Big Hugs!

    1. Aww, you are so heartfelt thanks!!😊😊

      Lots of love and hugs ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  16. I think all homes have a heart-beat, and (ideally) we need to be in rhythm with that beat.
    I can understand your mixed feelings with this home, the heart-beat wasn't always in complete rhythm.

    Once again beautiful words to weave your thoughts and story, you do have a wonderful gift for this :)

    Enjoy these last few days of October. At least the weather has been better today, and as we went out this afternoon although the countryside was looking a little waterlogged in places, the colour in the Autumn trees was amazing.

    All the best Jan

    1. Yes, I agree with you...all homes do have their own heartbeats, and personalities.
      This one always felt a little uneasy to me...but t seemed I was the only one who felt that way! Lol

      Yes, not too bad weather for late October, is it?!
      We've just returned from a stroll along the beach at Goring-by-Sea. It was overcast, but pleasant and not too cold. I so enjoyed!😊
      Thank you so much.😊😊

      Have a super day!

      Bug Hugs ❤❤❤

  17. I really like the shape and design of the house, so beautiful and fun

    1. Thank you, Ibrahim. Yes it was a great first home, it was just the history of it that made me feel a bit uneasy! Lol

      Have a great day! 😊😊

  18. i hope i read other article like this, very good

    1. Oh thank you so happy you enjoyed...and many thanks for your visit! 😊😊

  19. Estupendo post! ♡♡♡ muchas gracias por tus bonitas palabras en mi blog ! Buenas noches! 🍁🍂♡

    1. Thank you so much, Carolina...I really appreciate that!😊😊 And I am so happy you enjoyed...
      I love your beautiful blog XXX

      Hugs ❤❤❤

  20. Speechless, I am happy you are never alone, it's harder fighting the ghosts alone...Outstanding writing as always Ygraine


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